


when i'm fucked up (that's the real me)

by kenhwan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Blood, Body Horror, Death, Gore, Hitman AU, Horror, Insanity, Multi, Non-Consensual Body Modification, kind of ?, lapslock, maybe ?, minor wen junhui/xu minghao/jeon wonwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 23:01:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11344896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenhwan/pseuds/kenhwan
Summary: mingyu almost had the mind to think that he would want someone to look at him that way, before he remembered the boy in the chair was dead, more likely than not, and the person who was giving the look had just murdered him.





	when i'm fucked up (that's the real me)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Arachnophobia](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3182723) by [munchmuffins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/munchmuffins/pseuds/munchmuffins). 



> all the ages are shifted back a bit, mingyu is 18 as stated in the fic so feel free to base the other ages off of that
> 
> i've never written anything like this before.
> 
> update july 6, 2017: i thought i'd put down the fic that started the thinking process for this one! its one of my all time favourites.

junhui would always disappear for days at a time, starting from the moment he turned 18. where he went, mingyu didn't know. all he knew was everytime he came back, his arms would be covered in bandages and bruises. 

the younger wasn't sure he wanted to find out, but his 18th birthday was getting closer, and so was junhui.... he was sure he was going to. 

the week of his birthday approached, they continued to talk as friends do, until junhui decided to change the topic rather quickly. "so," he nudged mingyu in the ribs. "what are you doing on your birthday? it's a big day, you know." something in his voice sounded a bit too sinister for mingyu's liking, but then again, junhui's voice always did so he chose to just continue. "my parents said no big parties. i don't want a _big_ party. it's kinda cliche." 

"so you're having a _moderate_ party, is what you're telling me?" the older made a face. "no, i mean i'm going to an amusement park with friends during the day. then coming at home at night-" "you won't be busy that night?" well, cut him off again, why don't you junhui. "no-" "sweet, i have something to show you."

and with that, junhui left him alone in the hallway to ponder whether he was going to die young with whatever his elder had to show him. 

\- 

really, mingyu had a good birthday.

he did go to the amusement park, rode all the rides he could before he threw up, and decided that was probably enough after 8 hours at the park. as he was leaving, with 2 of his cousins and 3 of his friends from school, he remembered junhui. 

junhui, and the tone of his voice, and the look constantly haunting his eyes and the neon bandages on his fingers. his stomach dropped. 

god, how could he have forgotten about junhui? now, he was going to go home and junhui was going to come and show him something, or take him somewhere or make him do something and he could just tell it wasn't going to be good.... no. no, he reassured himself junhui was his friend of 10 years, and he wasn't going to hurt him. junhui wouldn't do that to him. although ... it was a friday, he thought, so if he did happen to go missing, no one would probably care until monday when he was absent for class.

-

long story short, it was an hour ride home, and mingyu didn't stop shaking the entire time.

-

when he got home, junhui's truck was already in the driveway. (which honestly, was creepy enough, it was an '82 ford, a faded red color. it really did look like a serial killer truck, suspicious stains all over the bed of it and the insulation on the inside all ripped up, seatbelts long gone) his elder was leaning against it, a smile on his lips as he went through his phone. 

he looked up as he heard the car pull in, waving upbeatly as he pocketed his phone. mingyu got out of the car, watching the other's smile grow and the right corner of his mouth twitch as it always did. mingyu made a note to himself to start choosing his friends more wisely. 

-

so, mingyu did get in junhui's truck after being sure to kiss his mother and tell her he loved her an extra time.

junhui had been driving for 10 minutes, and the only thing out this way were factories and warehouses. let's just say that didn't exactly ease his nerves. apparently, the older noticed this and laughed loudly, slapping a hand on mingyu's knee before taking it off again. "listen, the only way you're going to get hurt where we're going, is if it's your own fault. you'll catch on quick. " he reassured, though it honestly wasn't very reassuring. 

\- 

mingyu didn't know what this was, but he was positive he didn't want to go in. it was a warehouse behind a rubber factory, and everything smelled like burning tires and pencil erasers. there were other trucks and a few dirt bikes, which made him feel better, but once he thought about the kind of people junhui might hang out with, the relief was erased all over again. 

jun just sighed, continuing to motion for mingyu to get out. to his dismay, he feet moved alone and he was next to the other in no time. he was dragged into the building, and instantly the rubber was replaced with a metallic smell that made him gag.

the lighting was dark, and there were many doors on each side. there were three teenagers in a corner, hammering nails into a bat. the smallest yelled in frustration, pushing the taller one so hard he fell, while the third stood between them quickly. mingyu jabbed his thumb in their direction, silently asking junhui. "trainees. they uh- they'll be good after they work out their differences-" a loud scream cut him off as they walked by a door.

"ah, yeah-" junhui said as if he remembered something to put on the grocery list. "i forgot, seokmin gets the boot today. it should be quicker than usual though, joshua actually liked the kid so he put seungcheol on him." and mingyu was left wondering how the fuck he could say something like that so conversationally. "he would've been in your trainee group if well- he wouldn't have totally ratted to the cops right in front of chan. i'm glad the kid is smart enough to pull the insanity card, y'know, say DK couldn't tell dreams from reality. or we all would've been fucked."

trainee group? did junhui expect him to stay here? in this dirty warehouse where people were putting nails in wooden bats and 'getting the boot' in storage closets? he didn't think so. he was just about to tell junhui he wanted to leave, when they were approached by an .... oddly beautiful boy wearing a large black t-shirt with black jeans, a cross necklace wrapped repeatedly around his wrist to make a bracelet, and ears pierced all the way up the cartilage. 

"junhui, i see you brought me someone. he's perfect." the guy smiled warmly. he turned to mingyu, holding a hand out to him, the hand with the metal cross. mingyu took the hand and shook it, wondering how a guy like this could ever be the leader of something so vile. "jisoo. but you can call me josh or joshua, if you'd like. you must be mingyu, i've heard lots about you. i'll introduce you, yeah? let's get started." 

this- mingyu didn't want this. he didn't want to say this long, but he didn't want to end up like 'seokmin,' so he kept his mouth shut and stayed in place. did as he was told, just as junhui had told him. "ah, jun, i believe minghao was looking for you? i sent him off to wonwoo until you got here- room 10." 

junhui nodded, and ran off to the part of the warehouse next to the entrance, leaving mingyu alone. 

great. 

joshua didn't seem phased by mingyu's trembling and darting eyes, as he motioned for the younger to follow him. "welcome to project seventeen, kim mingyu. i'm sure junhui hasn't explained to you why you're here. he never does." he sighs, a fond smile gracing his pretty lips as if to say something cliche and dumb like 'that little rascal'. mingyu did as he was told. as they walked, joshua explained, "you should really be happy you're here, proud of your face at least. i only take in the most attractive."

first, josh knocked on a door, and it opened, revealing an equally as beautiful pair, but this time there was a girl involved. the girl's hair was an electric color and she carried a blue duffel bag, eyeliner sharp enough to cut yourself on. she walked out of the room, giving a wave to joshua and the other boy. 

"that was lisa, she's from one of our ally vigilante groups. we usually don't mess with girls, but they're real legit. anyways, this is jeonghan." he greeted the blonde with a kiss on the corner of his mouth. "he's not really violent, but he sure is bossy-" jeonghan shoved joshua lightly, rolling his eyes as he laughed. "i'm kidding, i'm kidding. he deals with the business stuff, y'know, who pays up and who doesn't. how much we get paid, keeping things on the downlow, all that fun stuff. i'll introduce you to seungcheol next, he should be about do-"

a door slammed open, followed by a "god damn it, i got it everywhere-" as the living occupant of the closet stumbled out, arms covered in blood up to his elbows. "there he is." joshua smiled at the blood covered man, and mingyu didn't think he'd ever seen someone look at someone else with so much love and adoration. the man walked over and stood himself between josh and jeonghan, wrapping an arm around both of them. this left a bright red handprint on the blonde's white sweater, and earning the other a death glare.

"this is seungcheol- he's a real cold guy with a real warm heart, promise." joshua kissed his cheek, earning a bloodstained smile from 'seungcheol'. a shiver went down his spine.

honestly, what the fuck.

"moving on," he hummed, breaking from seungcheols grip. he was lead a few doors down to where there was mumbling heard behind the door. the same knock as before was done and joshua swung the door open. it revealed 2 guys. one cleaning off guns and knives, setting them in assorted piles. one cleaning what looked like a pile of medieval weapons that mingyu vowed to never be on the receiving end of. 

the oldest pointed to the two, listing off names. "jihoon, soonyoung. also known as woozi and hoshi, our weapon specialists." really, 'jihoon' just looked like he was ready to go home and sleep, and 'soonyoung' simply looked up before continuing to ramble on all too happily about whatever he'd been talking about before. 

he was once again lead in a different direction. mingyu was confused to say the least. everyone for the most part looked happy to be here, or as though they were normally happy to be here. everyone was dressed in comfortable looking jeans and tee shirts, like they could be as they wished. what was he missing?

he was lead to the corner the three kids from before were sitting in, bickering as they continued putting nails in the bat, trying to make it look as nice as possible. 

"mingyu, you're going to have 4 other trainees with you. these are three of them." he pointed to the smallest one, the taller one, and lastly the one that appeared to be the mediator. "chan, hansol or vernon, and seungkwan. you three, play nice. i'll bring mingyu back after i introduce him to minghao-" "yeah, if he's not getting spit roasted by wonwoo and junhui." the smallest snorted. joshua sent him a look that promised him a little something more than a scolding, and the youngest recoiled, regret clear in his expression, and sympathy apparent in the other two's eyes. 

mingyu was lead away, and he was pretty sure the fear of god was beat into him with a look not even directed at himself. 

joshua _did_ seem to be a bit more cautious knocking on the third door, waiting for the 'okay' to go in. an 'its open' confirmed their entry, and the door was opened. inside was a couch and two chairs, a tv, and a wii. a tan, dark haired and junhui seemed to be playing some card game on the couch, while a red haired boy laid on his stomach on a rug on the ground, playing super smash brothers. the dark haired boy looked to the door, then to the boy on the floor. "baby" is all he said, before the boy quickly paused his game and sat up, looking towards the door. 

"this is minghao, and the one sitting over there is wonwoo. we let these three stay to their own devices until jeonghan has a job for them. its uh- special circumstances. they've got a pretty good set up in here, yeah?" joshua gave a smile that lasted less than a second. "we need minghao, now that seungcheol's here," minghao visibly flinched. " he's gonna put the trainees to their first test." 

minghao looked to wonwoo and junhui, who nodded and only then did he stand up. 

joshua walked out, minghao and mingyu in tow. once he was in the middle of the room, he whistled and the other three boys quickly got up and ran over. "seungcheollie !" their leader called out. minghao shrunk away behind mingyu when seungcheol came over, a smile on his face and it seemed he'd taken a shower and brushed his teeth, or something to get cleaned up. he looked much younger all cleaned up, damp hair hanging in his eyes. joshua patted his shoulder before walking away, motioning for only chan to follow him. the youngest followed, a pleading look in his eyes as he glanced back at the pair he was with before. 

"so, today i'm going to teach you how to break locks, get in through windows, and stay unseen. if you get it right, we can move right along. if you keep fucking up, we'll keep going till you get it right. it's that simple. because i don't care if all four of you break both your legs and go blind, we'll go until you get it right." seungcheol's tone was light, but something told mingyu he wasn't joking in the least.

\- 

when night fell, seungcheol took them outside to train more on moving silently and remaining unnoticed. it was night, but it was still too hot, and while joshua's second-in-command may be a bit sadistic, he had no directions to kill anyone, so he let them have a ten minute break. 

in said ten minute break, junhui and wonwoo brought out bottles of water for everyone, but also sat and made minghao drink a whole bottle, as well as making his eat a whole protein bar, assuring him he was doing fine in his training for the first day. seungcheol watched and looked like he might commit genocide on any given group.

-

a few hours later, chan returned just in time for what seemed like seungcheol's ending announcements, a new t-shirt and a wince on his face every time he moved. mingyu pretended he didn't notice the red stains starting to soak through the whole back of the blue fabric and turn it purple. 

"so, chan'll have to catch up tomorrow." he sent a pointed glance towards the boy, who seemed to die inside at the thought of so much movement. "but nonetheless, you all did better than expected. especially you," he pointed a figure at minghao, who seemed torn between jumping in fear and keening at the praise. "next time i'll start rankings. whoever is the highest ranking at the end of 6 months, gets first pick on their position. second gets the second pick, so on and so forth, so be sure to try your best each time. also, chan," lord help chan, this boy's punishment seemed like it would never end. it was even painful for an outsider to witness. seungcheol paused. "chan _and vernon,_ seokmin's body is still in that closet, your job to clean it up."

vernon whined. mingyu remembers earlier in their training, when he'd made some remark about "leader's" (he'd referred to joshua in a mocking tone) looking nice from across the warehouse, then grinned triumphantly when he wasn't scolded. mingyu thought maybe seungcheol was the type to let them have their moment, and reign down hard later.

junhui came up behind mingyu (promptly scaring him when he turned around right to see jun's face directly in front of his own) and told him it was time to take him home. 

mingyu had never felt so relieved in his life, though it was short lived until junhui continued with "until next weekend, of course. they were waiting for me to bring you, you know? but i just- i had to wait to be full time until i was 18 and i figured you really needed to be a grown up to get into this- god, you're gonna love it-" they got in the car, junhui starting the engine as mingyu interrupted him. "stop. i have questions."

the eldest blinked. 

"alright, ask away." 

"first of all, what have you gotten me into? this is awful, junhui, it's dirty and people are dying, and this is just- not humane ! and what's up with you and that other guy and minghao ? is this some weird daddy kink shit? and who even- what even is this seungcheol character ! he's like a monster ! junhui answer m-" 

"okay okay shut up and calm down. i'll explain everything." junhui turned out onto the highway as he continued. "answer one. i know, it's scary at first, but it's not dirty! did you see any dirt? no. because we keep it clean. seungcheol made those two trainees clean up the DK mess, and he'll make sure they'll do it well. mingyu, you'll understand, okay? alright? it's- it's a family. everyone is there by their own will -"

"except me !"

"okay, shut up stop interrupting. i knew you wouldn't say yes if i explained it to you but just- stick with it ! it'll grow on you ! these are great guys !"

"you're right, if you would've come up to me and said 'remember when i was 14 and i came back and i was all crazy? well i was training to be a killer and now i wanna make you a killer too with a bunch of other killers ! isn't that just swell, mingyu?' i would've said no because that- that's fucking crazy junhui!"

"mingyu i'm serious shut the fuck up so i can answer your questions. answer two, me and wonwoo and minghao. so me and wonwoo had to make a run one time, just to the store for bleach, nothing too bad. we were supposed to be showing minghao how to clean someone else's wounds just because uh- hoshi had gotten a little fucked up and it was just the perfect opportunity- but things got a little messy so we just- left him with seungcheol. it turns out, jeonghan hadn't reminded seungcheol to take his meds that morning, and minghao wouldn't stop running his mouth-" 

" don't forget to turn here-"

"i'm not forgetting- anyways, i guess cheol decided that if minghao can't listen to orders, he shouldn't be able to give them either. we came back, seungcheol had minghao pinned against a wall, yelling in his face while the kid was about to drown in his own blood, his tongue laying on the floor across the room, blood splatters everywhere. it was a whole ordeal. we had to call joshua to get his crazy boyfriend, he ordered we take the kid to the bathroom, clean him up in the bathtub and get him to sleep on the couch. he woke up and well- started acting the way he does now. he won't do anything unless we tell him he can, won't go anywhere without us, won't let us go anywhere without him. he doesn't call us daddy- he can't call us anything, dumbass."

"red light."

junhui slammed on the brakes, making them both jolt with the sudden stop. "we just call him baby and that shit because he _is_ our baby. on top of that, he'll only answer if we address him directly and it just seemed more appropriate than just saying 'minghao' all the time. if we don't make him eat and bathe and shit well- he won't. and it's our fault all that shit happened to him." junhui shrugged like it was nothing. 

"okay last question, can we answer that now-" mingyu asked quickly as the older pulled into his driveway. 

"oh my god-" junhui groaned. "yes, i was getting to it. seungcheol, right?" mingyu nodded. "yeah, okay, seungcheol is fucking crazy. like literally. he's a sadistic piece of shit, and if we didn't think joshua was fucked in the head one way or another for running a ring of hitmen, we definitely do for being in love with seungcheol. because he's _really_ fucking in love with seungcheol. all seungcheol wants to do is hurt and kill and destroy, and before lisa, joshua risked his life twice a month to get seungcheol his meds, so seungcheol doesn't go on a rampage and get locked up in an asylum. i don't- i don't know what's wrong with either of them. mingyu, really."

mingyu was taken aback. junhui genuinely sounded like he was upset, or overwhelmed, or emotionally fatigued by the situation he was talking about. but he continued.

"if anything happened to seungcheol, josh fucking loses it. on himself. which is just- bad for everybody. he already lets seungcheol let loose on him when he's pissed off. try looking at his body next time you see him there's- there's fresh bruises every week. he's got this false hope that one day seungcheol is gonna wake up and magically be cured and they could go outside together and go to the park and be happy and normal. but they just- they're so in love. and it's so awful and wrong and fucked up but-"

"what about jeonghan? he's their boyfriend too, right?"

junhui laughed, sounding bitter. "what a fucking joke. technically, yeah. but if jeonghan really came between them, he'd be 6 feet under quicker than you can blink. i don't think they've loved jeonghan half as much as they love each other. " he sighed, leaning forward looking at mingyu. "love is a scary ass thing, kim mingyu. go get some sleep." 

he all but shoved mingyu out of the truck when the door was opened and pulled out quickly, being much louder than anyone should be at 4am. 

mingyu was fucked for real. 

-

friday was approaching much too quickly for his liking. he woke up monday morning, trying to keep a positive mindset, reassure himself that friday was days away. he also regularly recalled that junhui said that he only had to go if he wanted to and- he shouldn't. he shouldn't, but he does, and maybe that's how everyone ended up staying. whenever he thought about what his friend had said, he suddenly felt like he was part of this- this group. 

of killers, he reminded himself. 

this group _of killers._

he felt like there was a new weight on his shoulders. the weight of jisoo and minghao, the weight of seungcheol and chan, the weight of vernon and seungkwan, the weight of seokmin, who he'd never even met. he felt like he couldn't just drop out now. this was all on him, he should make it worth it. 

and suddenly it was thursday, and junhui was running up to him, that glint in his eyes and the ever charming smile on his face. "gyu !" he huffed, out of breath from running. "cheol and josh wanted to make sure you wore black tomorrow- preferably black and old. cheol is gonna be taking the trainees down to the lodge and train you guys to break into some empty rooms-"

"which lodge?" 

"mingyu, you have a real interrupting problem. you're gonna need to solve that. anyways," he continued, upbeat. "i forget what it's called- it's on the highway next to where the supermarket used to be. of course, me and wonwoo will be there because - well, you know why - but yeah, okay just don't wear nice clothes or any light colors. see you at lunch!" 

mingyu was left alone in the hallway again. _and_ late for class.

 

-

it was friday, once again, and here mingyu was, _once_ again, sitting in the passenger seat of junhui's scary ass truck, being taken to a warehouse behind the rubber factory. he felt slightly better than last time. at least he knew where he was going and what to expect. he was still a bit on edge though, as his brain was plagued with memories, all the different embodiments of evil that resided in the people and the place itself.

he knew he wouldn't get out of this. he knew the thoughts of love, death, and the smell of blood would eat him alive. joshua, seungcheol, and this awful thing they'd created together would crush him. 

the first thing mingyu saw was vernon and chan scrubbing at the door frame. when he hopped out of the truck, junhui cut off the engine and the two younger boys looked beyond relieved. "seriously, we thought you would never get here. we had to clean all the doors until you got here. you're always the last here, y'know?" vernon rambled out, pushing mingyu in the door almost aggressively. "sorry that i don't live here like the rest of you." he grumbled in response.

chan looked levels better than he had after whatever punishment had been fed to him last week, more like a 16 year old boy and less like he'd had the fear of god whipped into him. 

"ah, mingyu !" josh's voice was the first thing to run through his ears. "just in time ! they were about to start without you!" 

their leader smiled, beautiful as always, all pretty lips and straight teeth and cat eyes. 

mingyu felt sorry for him.

if what junhui had said was true, jisoo was running in place. he was a warm boy with a nice voice, an even nicer heart, paired almost poetically with a nice face. it was really unfair that he'd messed himself up so bad, filled his own head with impossible thoughts and forced it to believe them true. he wondered if somewhere, deep down, joshua still knew he was lying to himself. seungcheol was bad, evil, and no good for him, not meant to be loved like this.

he was shaken from his own thoughts by seungcheol's voice. he seemed to be in a good mood today, as he mindlessly fiddled with Joshua's fingers and explained what today's training would be. "so, we're going to go to the lodge, and you're going to try to get in. now of course, we won't be breaking into the rooms with occupants, terrorizing people just isn't what we're about. i think that you might come to realize just walking in the front door sometimes just _is_ the best option. here's the best part-" he paused for effect. "the lodge doesn't know we're doing this, so don't get caught." he gave an award-winning smile. "and remember, if you die, it's your own fault."

wow, reassuring.

junhui and wonwoo load up into jun's truck, minghao squished into the middle seat between them. the other 4 are pushed into seungcheol's truck (which mingyu didn't feel secure in at all, and neither did seungkwan if the way he was hiding in vernon's shoulder was anything to go by) and they were off. the lodge was about 20 minutes down the road, but it felt like an hour because seungcheol's truck was stick shift and at least once a minute it sounded like the engine was about to blow. 

they all tumbled out of the truck when they got to the parking lot, wanting as quick as possible to get away from the truck and onto the day's activity. unfortunately, wonwoo took his sweet ass time getting minghao out and other to the group, and even then minghao would look terrified if the other was more than three feet away from him at any time. seungcheol lead them to one side, looking towards the sky and pointing at the balconies and windows going all the way up. 

"so who's first?"

it goes without saying that no one stepped forward.

apparently, seungcheol decided that seungkwan hadn't done enough, and pushed him forward. "third floor, first window. you're up kiddo." 

honestly, seungkwan looked like he was going to piss himself. how the fuck was he going to do this? after a minute or two, seungcheol started looking impatient, but as soon as he opened his mouth to speak, seungkwan's eyes lit up as one's do when they get an idea. when seungkwan gripped his fingers in the space between the bricks where they were joined, mingyu saw where he was going with this.

he slowly, and very carefully scaled the wall, visibly shaking. mingyu figured it was both fear and nerves getting the best of him. when seungkwan got to the window, he stepped into the window frame, which seemed to calm him a bit. it did seem like a much more stable position to be in. seungkwan stopped, taking a break to catch his breath which he'd presumably been holding.

seungcheol yelled from next to mingyu, making him jump at the sudden noise. "hurry up, we don't have all night and house cleaning comes in every 3 hours, god knows when they were here last !"

seungkwan flinched, turning and jamming his finger into the bottom of the window pane, lifting it up as quietly as possible. as the trainer told them, they were to treat this like they could get caught at any moment. he snuck to the balcony, opened the door and waved with a smile. it seemed getting down would be the hard part, but the younger thought otherwise, as he just dropped down to the balcony below, then the one below that, and then the one to the floor with a satisfied smile. 

seungcheol grinned, patting his back. "nice job ! mingyu, you're next. fourth floor, room 16"

mingyu ... had never been the most graceful on his feet, and really, he didn't want to risk his life to get into a room. he recalled what seungcheol had said earlier, and simply walked to the front of the lodge, going in the entrance. 

he stood next to a wall, slipping into the room whenever the room service lady walked out, right before the door shut. mingyu then walked over to the balcony, and waved to his trainer and peers. seungcheol didn't look quite as pleased as he had with seungkwan, but appeased nonetheless as mingyu took the same exit approach as the other. vernon was next, leaving chan and minghao. 

vernon tried to take the same route as seungkwan, though his was much higher. mingyu really knew this was a bad idea from vernon's first slight slip, two feet off the ground. he was extremely shaky, but seemed happy with himself when he got right next to the window. on the scooting over towards the frame, his foot didn't quite catch on the brick it was supposed to, sending him falling. mingyu stepped back and covered his eyes, if he would've taken a peek, he would've seen that seungkwan and chan did just about the same, but minghao watched. 

vernons body hit the ground with a sickening thud, minghao letting out a scared yelp as they slowly uncovered their eyes. 

the body was twisted in all kinds of gnarly directions, blood spilling out from his skull and various other places. seungcheol stared, before shaking his head as if pulling himself from his thoughts. "well, i guess we better go back to joshua and explain the mess-" he was cut off by seungkwan bending over and hurling up whatever food he'd eaten that day.

seungcheol just laughed. "kid, if you wanna be a part of this, you're gonna have to learn to stomach a little more than a bit of blood and a few broken bones." he wrapped a heavy arm around seungkwan, leading him back to the truck and into the front seat.

junhui came over to the truck, knocking on the window. the oldest opened it, explaining "we lost one. have wonwoo grab him and put him in the back of your truck, will you?" mingyu was once again astonished by how casually everyone here talked about death. while minghao was shaken up, being helped back into the middle seat by junhui, chan seemed absolutely fine and well- mingyu wasn't throwing up his guts, but he sure didn't feel very good. 

-

soon enough, joshua was being informed of what had happened. a frown grew on his gorgeous face, taking over his pink lips, and he almost wanted to smack seungcheol for making them do this stupid training. jeonghan stood by his side, putting in points that were supposed to be positive, such as “well that does mean more pay for the rest of us,” or “that’s one less risk to deal with in the future!”

as expected, these were not the least bit helpful. 

seungcheol seemed less than fazed, planting a kiss on each of their foreheads, lips lingering just a bit longer on josh’s before he ran off, probably to the ‘leader’s room’ or the bathroom within it. they were left standing there, before the two eldest ran off to presumably follow seungcheol. 

and then there was one. he thought about going off to find junhui, but he knew better than to do that, seeing as he watched the trio run off into their little room as soon as they walked in the door. he couldn’t leave until junhui said so, that was his ride. so he was left to go sit with seungkwan and chan.

when he got to the corner of trainees, he took one look and turned right back around. it looked like chan had gotten tired of seungkwan’s crying and well - was he supposed to tell someone? who could he tell? is it okay to knock on doors if he’s not joshua? 

he didn’t know the protocol for this. he didn’t know the business protocol or the moral protocol. chan gave him a look from across the room, that said he knows mingyu knows, and mingyu really didn’t know what to do. so he just- he just sat. he sat and tried to clear his head of all the blood he’d seen today, the blood and death and just- everything.

he sat and didn’t tell anyone. it felt like hours, but it couldn’t have been more than 30 minutes when junhui emerged, a smile on his face. mingyu ran up to his older friend, who just blinked at the eagerness. “junhui- can we leave? i really need to feed my dog- and i have a headache and-” 

“sure, you can just say you want to go home next time.”

on the way out, junhui stopped to blink at chan and seungkwan’s mess, glancing at mingyu before whistling and walking out. the younger only focused on the keys twirling around his friend’s finger. 

“remind me to never get on chan’s bad side.” mingyu mumbled as he got in the passenger’s side. he shut the door as junhui did the same responding, “me and you both. he’ll probably have to clean it himself, too.” there was a shrug, and then silence.

“jun, do you know what's going on next weekend?” 

“well, since it seems you're following the same schedule we did, i think you pick your weapons next week. which means more time with hoshi and woozi- soonyoung and jihoon, whatever you want to call them. i think you’ll like hoshi. he was supposed to be in my and wonwoo’s trainee group, but turns out he’s real good with weapons, can assemble and disassemble them just as fast as woozi, which is saying something.”

the elder hummed, “any idea which one you’d like to use? we have everything you could want- and if we don’t, we can get it.”

“you guys have a flame thrower?”

jun deadpanned. “of course we have a flame thrower, they’re easier to get than you think. but you can’t fuckin’ use that, you can’t just flame everything. it’s for emergencies. also, it’s not ‘you guys,’ you’re part of this now too, gyu.” 

“right. i don’t know, i’ve never used a weapon before, except an airsoft- which doesn’t count as far as i know.”

“that’s fine, you can pick when you see them.”

the rest of the care ride was in silence, which mingyu was slowly getting used to. it didn’t make him as uneasy as it did before. 

-

the room was white. all white. a glass pane down the middle, separating two figures.

but he wasn’t in it. he was observing through another piece of glass, a window to the outside. he peeked curiously through it, try to make out what or who the figures were.

the one on the right was blonde, a charming smile on his face as he wrote something into a notebook. the other was staring intently through the glass pane at the blonde, hair black and matted. a feeling of dread lurched in his stomach. 

a tinkling sound was heard when the raven haired finger touched his finger to the glass, making it crack and a few pieces fall to the floor. the blonde didn’t seem to notice, continuing to scrawl chicken scratch notes into his tattered notepad.

the one on the left side of the glass pressed his hand to it, making a while sliver, from ceiling to floor, slide out of place and shatter all over him. he didn’t seem affected. 

he shrugged off the shards, making his way over to the blonde. 

_”stop!”_ he yelled. no answer, not even an acknowledgement. the ravenette sat down next to the blonde, who finally looked up. 

smiles and kisses were exchanged. exchanged for so long, the anxiety and dread bubbled down to almost nothing. chaste kisses turned to deep ones, when the male from the left brought a hand up, resting it gently against the other’s neck as lovers sometimes do. his other hand stayed down at his side, almost suspiciously so. 

they pulled away after what seemed like an eternity, all the same except their lips weren’t interlocked. faces close, breathing shared and slightly laboured. they smiled, looked happy. 

until it happened.

the hiding hand came up into the small space between their two bodies. it jabbed something into the other’s stomach, digging and digging and digging. suddenly there was red. red from the blonde’s mouth, red from his stomach, red from his nose and his eyes and- as his body fell to the floor, the same thud he’d heard from vernon echoed in his mind like a shout through an empty cave. 

as mingyu pounded on the glass, all he could manage was one yell. 

_”jeonghan!”_

the dark haired one grinned something awful up to the glass where mingyu stood. he wiped his free hand on his pants, before throwing whatever he had at his hand at the glass as hard as he could. 

there was a loud clash of something sharp, blood splatter, and mingyu shot up. 

his body was covered in sweat, making him shiver when the blanket fell off his upper body. he let himself fall back, staring at his ceiling with mirth stuck in his brain. he was feeling entirely too hot and too cold at the same time, so he kicked his blanket off onto the floor and laid, heavy breathing and eyes fixated in one place.

what was he supposed to do?

-

another week of highschool, another week ended with training.

he sat in the corner next to chan, who was humming something and acting as if he hadn’t slit someone’s throat last weekend. mingyu looked over the bat that the trio had been making just weeks ago. it really was actually kind of pretty looking, in the sense it was neat and clean, diagonal nails lining up the first few inches of the bat in organized rows. 

chan was now strategically wrapping barbed wire through the nails. 

mingyu cringed. was that really necessary?

apparently so. he watched the younger for a while, working on his grotesque weapon of destruction, until seungcheol’s voice breaks through his thoughts. “everyone, room 29!” he smiled that sickening smile and leads the way for everyone. 

wonwoo was the first to follow behind him, junhui and minghao following close behind as expected. 

“i have something to show you all. i think you’ll really enjoy it.”

wonwoo nods, as if the trainer was talking to him directly. seungcheol opens the door, and wonwoo’s face turns white. he instantly turns, pushing minghao away from the door. he grabs junhui, forcing him to look at whatever was waiting for them. his expression mirror’s wonwoo’s.

apparently, seungcheol was getting impatient, because he gave a small shove to the duo, motioning for everyone else to follow into the room. 

they did as they were told, and mingyu gagged instantly, turning into the shoulder of minghao behind him to stiffle the smell. blood, blood, blood. he was used to the smell of it in the warehouse, but not so much concentrated into a small room. it made him dread looking up, no matter how much he knew seungcheol would make him. he hesitated, when the man pulled his head away by his hair, making him face the scene. 

his face paled, and he truly believed he was going to pass out. 

the first thing he noticed is the white couch in the room. why anyone would want a couch that’s purely white, mingyu will never know, but here it was. except….it was quite white anymore. some more diluted areas were shades of pink, but the majority was red and… it was a red he’d seen far too many times the past month, a red he hopes to never see again.

he motions to one side of the room, where there’s a rocking chair, but … the rocking chair was far from what he was supposed to see. the body in the chair had clearly been washed off, perhaps before or after it’d been sat upright in the chair. 

the body was joshua. 

now, he was sure he’d hit the floor any minute now, dizzying feelings clouding his head as he tried to keep steady. he was wearing all black as he usually did, a black t-shirt with ripped jeans, which appeared untouched by the red. but the thing that really caught mingyu’s eye was - was the carving on his cheeks. red carvings of hearts covered the area where one might find freckles or a blush, across his cheeks and his nose. and let’s not forget the pink rose tucked behind his ear. 

mingyu hoped he wasn’t dead. he wasn’t religious as josh was, but he prayed to everything and everyone he could think of, begging to please not let their leader be dead. junhui and wonwoo quickly escorted out one minghao who was … almost unresponsive. he stared and barely blinked, fingers clinching tightly into wonwoo’s shirt, just to uncurl themselves and repeat. 

chan and mingyu were left alone. he assumed that jihoon and soonyoung were still in their little weapon room, the younger talking up a storm while the elder just listened half mindedly, completely unaware of what’d happened, what they were witnessing.

seungcheol looked pleased as the walked over, kissing his presumably dead lover on the lips. he brushed a strand or two away from jisoo’s face, a fond smile gracing his lips. mingyu almost had the mind to think that he would want someone to look at him that way, before he remembered the boy in the chair was dead, more likely than not, and the person who was giving the look had just murdered him. 

“doesn’t he look pretty?” he hummed, crouching down next to the chair as if jisoo were just smiling and telling him a story from his position. “he always said he liked freckles ….. i think these are cuter.” he kissed the body again, and mingyu hates to think of what happened to jeonghan. “he always said he was mine, he said he was giving me his all, i could take whatever i wanted from him, he’d love me forever. i think - he was right. he meant it.”

seungcheol’s smile grew fonder, more loving than he’d ever seen someone look. 

“he was so still ... “ the older’s face solemned. “and i just - i told him to be quiet … he didn’t make a sound. he just smiled that pretty smile at me… he just - kept telling me how much he loved me, how he was doing this for me, how he’d do it a million times over for me.” the smile came back along with a breathy laugh. “he’s so beautiful, inside and out, now more than ever, right?” 

mingyu nodded quickly, scared of what would happen if he took too long. he heard the door shut behind him, assuming that was chan walking out. 

perfect. 

mingyu needed to leave. he needed to get out of here, and drink, or do alot of pills or something just to fuck him up enough so he forgets this, and he can tell junhui he’s leaving and go one with his life like a normal young adult.

but his feet were glued to the ground. like when you’re about to go off the highdive, but you panic at the last moment and your feet won’t move. 

his brain ran through thought after thought, but only one stood out. 

_maybe in another life, they could both be beautiful._


End file.
